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Talk:The shining consicuences/@comment-6907100-20170414034632
So, here is my constructive criticism for this pasta: 1. You had a good idea with shiny Pokemon being abused. This could make for an amazing story with lots of feeling and such. But, I feel like you fell a little short because you missed out on a lot of good opportunities...and I will explain those. 2. Your story did not have a lot of detail: We know Glitter is a shiny Eevee soon Vaporeon - and Char is a shiny Charizard. Also that their trainer is an abuser. But, why did he start abusing them? Were they caught as Pokemon together? Was Char the trainer's starter? There are lot of questions that were never mentioned and brought up which could have really helped your writing. Also, what region are they in? And just other details like that were really missed out on. Also, the evolution stones...who put them there? Who threw them and why? It was never explained, and Char never even used his Megastone so, why was it put in the story? If you wanted Glitter to be a Vaporeon, might have been best to just make them a Vaporeon from the start. 3. Your transitions were too sudden- they were "here" then went "there" then were back "here" and then they were trapped! Again, this goes into the detail thing. The writing is too jumpy and can make things hard to follow. 4. Some things just seem too unrealistic: the sausages I can ignore. You could have said they managed to steal some food from their trainer without explaining what it is. Labeling them as sausages just seems odd and out of place. Same as Pokemon making tea. Neither really have thumbs so, while it's kinda cute, it just does not make sense. 5. There are some un-needed events: The stone thing was never explained, and, since Char never used his Megastone, that whole thing could have been left out. As for the Mother coming into play...that was really random. Again, it did not need to exist. I know it was meant to add "feels" to the pasta, but you could have just left it at Char being the only one left behind and it would have been fine. Also, Vaporeon losing its color...why? How did it happen? What caused it? Does that mean Vaporeon is all white now? Does it mean that Vaporeon is just no longer a shiny? It just does not make very much sense. And thus, that too is a detail that did not need to be there. 6. Grammar and Punctuation. There were a lot of errors but, I fixed most of them. ---this pasta has potential but there are a lot of things I think you can still learn. I say try taking these tips and hints when writing your next one, and, check out my blog I just wrote on how to write better pastas. I think you have something going here and it could be really good. Just keep trying and keep improving. You can do it :)